We Need To Kill All The Horses On Earth Before They Kill Us First

Horses are jittery death carriages who deserve extinction.

Hear me out…

I love animals. I grew up with no less than three different species of pets. At one point, my family owned eight dogs we rescued from the side of roads. If I find a spider in my house, I will, despite the protest from my wife, get it to crawl into a cup or onto a paper towel so that I can set it free back into the wild. I have now proven at a surface level I am a good, sane person. And as such, you should believe what I am about to tell you is the truth. There is an evil that we have allowed to inject itself unchecked into the very fabric of our society. That’s right folks. I’m talking about horses.

If you value your life, the lives of everyone you hold dear and your progeny, you will get on board with my simple plan:

Put all the horses on the earth onto a boat, ship it to Antarctica, and sink it half-way.

Masters of Deception

There’s a reason the Greeks used a Trojan Horse. Horses are masters of deception. How do you humanize an atom bomb? You book it on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon and let Jimmy Fallon playfully tussle its flaxen follicles. “I know this thing is deplorable, but in this instance it doesn’t seem that bad.”

Horses have been been doing this since the dawn of time. They are not friendly. Horses are just guns with better PR. Don’t let Big Equine pull the mane over your eyes! See through their ploys.

Mr. Ed: Guerilla Native #sponsored Content.

My Little Ponies: A blatant attempt to persuade the impressionable minds of our youth! And while we’re at it, the whole concept of a pony is a false flag operation. A pony is just a horse with less talent. Moreover, the entire Equus genus is an abomination. A Donkey is just a horse that studied abroad one semester and makes sure everyone knows it’s pronounced Buda-pesh not Buda-pest. But then if a horse fucks a horse that studied abroad one semester and makes sure everyone knows it’s pronounced Buda-pesh not Buda-pest it makes a Mule, which is just a horse with low T and congenital heart disease.

Bojack Horseman: Literally humanizing horses. Do not fall for this masterful advertorial under the guise of relatable malaise.

The idiom “Healthy as a mule!”: Sure. “Healthy” in the sense that you are sterile and genetically deformed.

Horse Racing: AKA The Horse Illuminati. Horses, via predatory cajolery, have created an ecosystem where they are rewarded with lavish abodes, wreaths, fancy clothes, etc . Then, after a year or two of this affluent lifestyle, they retire to a life of leisure and non-stop orgies. Meanwhile, I get to have sex twice a decade and work for 40+ years!

An entire island of feral mini-horses: Instead of marveling at the majesty of nature and how *Jeff Goldblum Voice* Life Finds A Way™, we should be skeptical of their intentions. What are they up to?

The Case Against Horses

What have horses bestowed upon us besides centuries of terror? Nothing. Nothing good has ever happened because of a horse, only pain and death. Much like organized religion, Horses have left a devastating wake of tragedy throughout history, and we continue to let them exist. A small sample of the atrocities Horses have committed:

1. Killed People

My aunt owns several horses, and when you peer into their vengeful orbs, you can see their brain calculating all the ways they could end your life. On average, 100 people per year die in horse riding accidents. Thousands more are injured. As self-driving cars approach legitimacy, we ought to look the way of the horse to show us how dangerous using a mode of transport susceptible to running amok can be.

I’m having a wonderful time riding this horse. Oh no. This Amish Uber appears to have heard an acorn fall onto the ground and is now bucking wildly. Hey, don’t do that. It’s not listening. OK. The horse has now began sprinting. Please stop. It rejects my pleas, and seems to become empowered by my fear. Wonderful. It has reared up again with gusto, crushing me betwixt its haunches and the warm embrace of Mother Earth.

2. Made Millions of Children Cry

Whether or not you like children is irrelevant. What we can all agree on is that a non-crying child is 1,000 times better than a crying child. A horse’s life’s purpose revolves around luring children close to it and then biting them or kicking them in the head for no reason beyond entertainment. In yesteryears, they would gather around the troughs outside of saloons and regale each other with tales of all the youths they had injured. That tradition continues to this day.

3. Eaten All the Good Apples

It’s fucked up, but true. Whenever a farm harvests a fresh crop of apples, horses get first rights to rummage. They eat all the good ones, leaving our supermarkets laden with inferior fruit. Imagine how much better your Gam-Gam’s pies would be if she was able to use premium ‘pples!

4. Paralyzed Super Man

A feat not even a drove of super villains with otherworldly powers and strength could do, a Horse accomplished with nothing more than the ability to think for itself.

5. Savored Being Narcs and Propagated Racism

Though it is reprehensible they force dogs to be cops, horses actively sign up to be cops. They live to bolster the systemic racist industry that is the criminal justice system. Excuse me while I leave this here…

🤔🤔🤔🤔 Hmmm….. 🤔🤔🤔🤔 Makes you think…🤔🤔🤔🤔

The Case for Eradication

To anyone with an ounce of common sense, it’s clear from my airtight argument that horses are terrible and serve no purpose. I’m not going to stop there. Here’s a few more reasons for those still skeptical.

1. Millenials Don’t Use Glue

Much like the napkin, home improvement , automotive and countless others, Millenials have destroyed the glue industry. In the last decade I have never needed to print two things out (???LOL???) then stick them together, do Popsicle art, or tighten a screw hole. Honestly, what kind of brokeboi needs to adhere two items in a permanent fashion? Glue’s declining demand invalidates a horse’s existence.

2. Horse Meat is Delicious

Think of all the people we could feed with all that horse meat. Famine as a pandemic could be eliminated overnight. Horse Meat has both less fat and more protein than lean beef, so it’s actually a healthy alternative. Let’s rescind all the laws arbitrarily protecting these tasty horses from being consumed.

3. They Invented Their Own Gas Masks

First off this image is objectively terrifying and will be the source of nightmares for several of us in the coming weeks.

Again, I ask… why do they need these? What are they plotting?

Regardless how much love and patience you invest into a horse, it will still kill you for the thrill of it. What utility does an animal with a mind of its own have? None. We need to eliminate them before they eliminate us. It’s only a matter of time before The Uprising.