Everyone is trying to slide into a W and cop a pair
I am a stupid man… a stupid man who can physically multitask with ease.
This prowess came to be through grueling, constant practice. I had a computer put in my bedroom in 5th grade. I immediately looked up Pamela Anderson photos and felt funny downstairs. I would eventually print those pictures out and make them into a crude pamphlet and sell them to classmates—a prepubescent Larry Flynt.
My parents discovered my lewd behavior because I was sloppy, and I just didn’t know I needed to cover my tracks
Side note: did any other real 90s kid get really into calling sex hot lines? I would guess permutations of 1-800 numbers using my limited vulgar vocabulary.
Hmmm…. 1-800…. WET… TITS. Oh hell yeah it’s ringing.
Because this was 1995, the computer monitor was a large CRT monitor that weighed 200lbs, and the HP computer tower was the size of a modest wine fridge. So, the easiest way to block my budding perverthood was to take away the mouse. Surely, without a pointing device a child would never be able to freely explore the wonders of digital titties and wrestling theme songs without it.
Wrong.
I learned how to navigate using the keyboard. ALT+TAB’ing way before Drake would admit to the ease with which he managed his multiple AIM chats on “Digital Girl Remix.” Flash forward 20+ years and I can go an entire morning without touching my mouse.
I know more Excel keyboard shortcuts than family birthdays. I love CMD+SHIFT+V’ing without formatting. Oh, yes. Strip away that shell. Input it raw.
While I love to physically multitask and fix one work problem while the solution to another work problem renders in a different tab, I cannot do it mentally.
My brain will get consumed with one (1) thing, and tumble it over and over with grey-matter grit until I’m left with a polished gem, or turd. It could be something particularly substantial that I am trying to process in totality (Like Bo Burnham’s INSIDE (2021) that consumed my thoughts for more than a week as I tried to neatly unpack and pick up every subtle detail). More often than not though, it is something absolutely innocuous that no person should ever think twice about.
Today’s was the latter.
A simple description of a Twitter Trending Topic.
As the adidas Yeezy Slides in Enflame Orange, Pure, and Resin drop on Monday, everyone is trying to slide into a W and cop a pair
I have no idea if a human writes these, but I wouldn’t be surprised if these descriptions are churned out by a trained AI.
everyone is trying to slide into a W and cop a pair
What does this even mean? No one has ever put these words together in this order in the history of human existence.
This is just fluff… filler no one cares about because ultimately it doesn’t matter.
The explication is done by that point. I understand why this is trending. So, this final phrase is superfluous.
There must be some kind of character minimum requirement laid out in a slide deck with the title Twitter Topic SOP that some middle manager spent hours crafting. And so the humanrobot must have needed to add this because someone said it needed to be done, and so it was. Even though no one else actually needs it.
It speaks to a larger trend, and one I’m certainly guilty of contributing to over the years, whereby you can just make a vague point/joke and bookend it with some idiom du jour. Let’s not fuck these vibes up. Just need a gist.
A quote-tweeted “This.” There’s nothing actually chilling about this but that appended word just sticks the landing.
Extrapolate that out and it’s endemic of the bastardized amalgamation of the Internet lexicon. Where those who create slang and trends must suffer seeing those it was never intended for try their hardest to make their usage of it seem effortless.
I recognize this type of writing. Anyone who has ever had to do any writing in a professional capacity probably recognizes it, too. It reads like someone gave up mid-sentence. DING! “Oh my microwavable PF Changs meal just finished. Let me just *furiously types* ok publish.”
I used to do SEO for Intercontinental Hospitality Group, and every week I had to interview the GM of and write the copy for 5 Holiday Inn Expresses. All copy had to be unique, because every Holiday Inn Express is unique. Some pride themselves on the fact business travelers love getting rooms with a view of the cornfields, especially during harvest time! Others are less than a mile to the Rehobeth Beach Boardwalk, which is one-mile long!
everyone is trying to slide into a W and cop a pair
These revelations may be trivial but they are important… to someone. What wasn’t important was having to write one-of-a-kind copy about the same complimentary Express Start™ (fka Hot and Ready) Breakfast Bar that served the same Cinnamon Rolls and yogurt no matter the city or their relative Recreational to Business traveler ratio. Why would this be needed? Because someone said it needed to be done, so it was.
everyone is trying to slide into a W and cop a pair
As these particular phrases ricochet around my skull like a logo on a burn-in protection screen, with each rebound they actually become less abstract. They gain meaning, where there was never any to begin with.
everyone is trying to slide into a W and cop a pair
Why did I even write this? I don’t know. I think I just needed to. So I did.
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