Project Managing Murder

Imagine going into work and being tasked with leading or being a part of a new project. And that project is to scope out how to shoot someone a bunch with a gun.

State lawmakers changed the execution law in May due to the Department of Corrections’ inability to carry out an execution by lethal injection. Under the state’s old execution law, the lethal injection was the default method of execution, unless an inmate specifically chose to die in the electric chair, and the state could not force them to do so.

The justices wrote in their decision that death row inmates had a statutory right to elect their manner of execution. They directed the courts’ clerk, who issues execution notices, not to issue one until the Department of Corrections finishes developing their protocols for the firing squad.

…

“While the taking of a human life is disastrous, horrible and repugnant under any circumstances ... it should be as painless as possible,” Harpootlian said. “The electric chair is not that.”

Harpootlian said the state should quickly be able to offer the firing squad as a method of execution.

“It should not be a complicated process,” Harpootlian said.

In a statement Wednesday, Corrections department spokeswoman Chrysti Shain reiterated that the department is in the process of setting procedures to carry out an execution by firing squad.

Source: SC court stays inmates’ executions until prison system can offer death by firing squad

Is everybody here? Charles? Where is Meredith? Ah, there she is. Ok. Great. Let’s go ahead and start the meeting.

As you may have heard we have some exciting news. We here at the SC Department of Corrections haven’t been able to legally kill anyone for 10 years. But that drought is over!!!! Haha. Ok. Hold your applause please. We have a lot to get through.

Under the state’s old execution law, the default method was lethal injection. But an inmate could also choose the electric chair if they were feeling frisky. That’s called Freedom of Choice, and what makes this country better than any other country on this planet. Unfortunately, our suppliers stopped selling us the drugs to carry out those lethal injections, something to do with “““““morality”””””. Imagine that. Morality. From a drug company. Boy, if that ain’t rich. Anyways, we’ve been stuck between a rock and a hard place for a decade. We couldn’t force anyone to choose the electric chair because of this pesky law that we had to abide by. It’s been, well, you all know. It’s been tough not being able to kill people. I mean. That’s why I took this job. Unbridled power over a captive vulnerable population. I miss my front row seats! I’m gonna be honest. Can I get a little real with y’all? Some days I didn’t feel like even coming into work. There’s been some dark times, but we’ve weathered them as a team. I’m thankful for you all.

But! Those. days. are. over.

Thankfully, a few months ago state lawmakers made some changes, and—that’s right, BizDev… I know you’re gonna love this: a new product offering—we can now provide our customers with Execution by Firing Squad.

We need to rush this to market. We’ve got some investors that need reassuring and some squeaky wheels… namely Democratic SC state senator Harpootlian… that are questioning our ability to be agile on this. We already have three VIP customers who would die for this solution.

We’re still working on the tagline, but we’re leaning towards “We’re Just As Shocked You Chose This, As You Would’ve Been Had You Not.” We’ve tossed them in a Slack poll to see what everyone else thinks as a way of looking transparent.

We’ve already done some of the groundwork. We’ve posted the job openings online, and received some solid resumés. There’s one who gunsmiths her own ammo. Pretty excited about her. We had some brainstorming sessions earlier this month with the creative team, and contracted with a national branding agency to help us really nail down this thing. Scott, from Fusillade Logistics. I know you called in.

Huge thanks to you and your team. Those long nights were worth it. I know when we told you what we wanted, and your team spent two weeks creating it, and then you delivered something that we actually hated, and then we ended up wanting something that was the exact opposite of what we said we wanted, and that your team actually suggested in the initial call. But, that’s the creative process, am I right? Haha.

When you think of “Firing Squad” you think antiquated, pre-civilization, “How could this be a thing in 2021?”… Scott and his team rose to the challenge.

We’ve chosen the name: Death by Gun™.

Simple, clean. Immediately tells you what you’re getting, and what’s going to happen. Easily initialized to DBG. This is a fresh perspective on an age-old product.

This is new territory for us, and we’re starting from scratch. What we need to do today is develop some procedures and protocols so we can get this thing out there.

I’ll go ahead and share my screen here so everyone can see where we’re at with this.

We need to hammer down some of these small items by EOW. Like will we offer them one last heater to rip? And, if so, should we allow them to choose the brand? Actually, this probably needs a bit of grooming before we move it out of the backlog. I just thought about how we would need to store the surplus cigs once we get a few under our belt. Does anyone know a line of bandanas we can use for blindfolds that are ethically sourced and manufactured? Preferably something local. Also, I had this idea where maybe for like every person executed we plant a tree?

I don’t believe our health insurance covers the full cost of therapy sessions. Zach, can you double-check that for me? Might be worth it to offer some kind of voucher or reimbursement program in case one of the gunpersons has trouble coping with the fact they have gruesomely snuffed out another human’s life. I doubt they will as we are only trying to hire true sickos, but the optics make it look like we really care. And that’s important.

Oh, man. Look at the time. We ran a little long. I’ve got a hard stop at 4:45. Let’s plan to do a check-in on Thursday. Meredith, I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to see your presentation about the remains removal. Not to steal your thunder, but she’s figured out a way to save us a few hundred dollars by going with drop-cloths instead of 8 mil thickness bodybags, while remaining OSHA 3130 compliant. We’ll let her start with that at the next meeting, and then we’ll do a few status updates, go over any changes or roadblocks. We have our first simulation on staging next week, and I would love to be able to get these these last few decisions through the pipeline to be included.

Get excited people!

While this interpretation is extreme, morality can’t exist in a kanban board.

The death penalty is immoral, and the fact South Carolina has found a way to resume executions is embarrassing. If you feel so inclined, donate to Justice360, a South Carolina non-profit organization working to reform policies and practices in capital and juvenile life without parole proceedings.